Mormons are a group of people. Like every group of people, they have a culture. Like every culture, they have implicit expectations of those in the group.
The problem with those expectation is that neither the Lord nor his prophets have explicitly laid those expectations out. They are the product of well meaning people who get carried away with assumptions that are partially based on facts, but mostly based on rumor and hearsay.
I debunk these myths so that those who believe them understand their origins, and hopefully more Mormons can better understand each other, thereby making it easier to follow the Savior's mandate to love one another.
Mormon cultural myth #1: R rated movies are forbidden. No, they're not. The closest thing I've ever found is a 1986 conference talk by President Benson. He urges young men to stay away from lewd, pornographic materials. He lumps into this list R rated movies. This is the origin of the Mormon cultural assumption that R rated movies are unilaterally condemned by the Church. But that's not so.
Think of it, the R rating comes from the American movie rating system, one of dozens used throughout the world. It would be a waste of time to go through each of those systems and declare ratings as sinful, especially when those ratings are subjective and constantly changing.
The prophets have made it clear that we should choose uplifting entertainment that encourages us to do good. It so happens that most R rated movies don't fall into that category, but many R rated movies actually teach compelling lessons or bring to life many of the horrors of history.
In short, don't be judgemental of those who avoid R rated movies, or of those who watch R rated movies,.
#2: Caffeinated soda is a no-no. Strictly speaking, the word of wisdom does not forbid caffeine (refer to D&C 89), therefore I have no moral opposition to caffeinated sodas.
You may ask, "So diet, caffeine-free cola is ok to drink, because it's less harmless than its caffeinated counterpart?"
Um, there are LOTS of health reasons (the real spirit of the word of wisdom) why you should avoid ALL sodas. Your bishop may not take away your recommend for drinking it, but your still poisoning your body if you drink soda. A basic Google search can corroborate this.
I gave up soda 3 years ago and haven't looked back (except for the occasional homemade rootbeer or foreign soda).
#3 Mormons should only date other Mormons. Not quite true, although it's understandable where this idea comes from. The prophets have repeatedly made it clear that the members of the Church should marry in the temple. In order to marry in the temple, you and your fiance must be members of the Church who are worthy (i.e. are in good standing) to be in the temple.
However, that does not mean that Mormons should run screaming in the other direction if they find mutual romantic interest with a non-Mormon. This is especially unfair when Mormons live in places where there are few eligible Mormons to date (given the fact that nowadays, most Mormons live outside of Utah and the US, this is the case for most of them).
True to the Faith states:
"Date only those who have high standards and in whose company you can maintain your high standards."
It's possible for a non-Mormon to respect and uphold your standards (for example, abstaining from sex before marriage).
With regards to preparing for marriage, the same publication states:
"Look for a companion of your own faith."
Who's to say that a non-Mormon that you're dating now couldn't become the companion of your own faith before you get married?
I personally believe that it's okay for Mormons to date non-Mormons (it could be a wonderful opportunity to share beliefs), but Mormons should make it clear up front that they want to marry in the temple, no ifs, ands or buts.
#4 Mormon girls should only marry returned missionaries. Not necessarily. Like #3, it's understandable where this philosophy comes from , but it's misguided.
Granted, returned missionaries are often mature and have experiences that lead them to truly live the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout their lives. But not always. Unfortunately, many RM's either revert to their immature ways, or never grow up in the first place.
In addition to a naive misconception of RM's, this idea casts non-RM's in a negative light. There are many reasons a man may not serve a mission, yet he can still be worthy to marry in the temple:
1) Too old when baptized.
2) Medical reasons
3) Had the opportunity but chose not to (that's right, choosing not to serve a mission in and of itself will not bar you from the temple).
4) Was unworthy to serve a mission but has repented.
For the Strength of Youth states:
"As you enter your adult years, make dating and marriage a high priority. Seek a companion who is worthy to go to the temple to be sealed to you for time and all eternity."
Nowhere does that or any other church publication say to marry only returned missionaries. After all, the Lord has a place for EVERYONE, not just those who served missions.
#5 a) Brigham Young said singles over age 25 (or was it 21? 30? 40?) are a menace to society.
b) Mormons who do not marry before graduating from BYU will never marry.
c) Returned Missionaries that are still single aren't trying hard enough to get married.
A) Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Another well researched blog post, by another blogger, has been written on the subject. Short answer, Young never said that. Mormon singles over 21, (23, 40, 80) you can rest easy.
B) This an unspoken myth, yet it reveals itself in the anxiety of many BYU students who are single for another semester. Making matters worse is an implicit belief in myth 5 a) and 5 c). Plus, many Mormons go to BYU hoping to find their eternal companion because there are more pickings than in their local singles ward. Thus, they think they will not find anyone eligible if they graduate BYU and return home.
The culture of BYU is marriage crazy for many reasons.
But BYU students who are marriage hungry should relax and remember the following: the prophets have made it clear that all who are faithful will be blessed with a spouse in this life or the next. However long the wait is, it will seem like a brief moment when you are finally paired with your eternal companion.
So maybe you won't get married before graduating from BYU. That doesn't mean all hope for temple marriage is lost.
C) Wrong. I alone am enough to disprove that myth, not to mention all the other RM's who dutifully date but don't get married. Most RM's have a deep and abiding testimony of the importance of families, and are therefore keenly aware of the need to marry, therefore are among those who want marriage the most.
I consistently asked girls out for five years (often averaging a date a week) before I got married. I may have made mistakes during that time, but not trying hard enough wasn't the problem.
#6 Playing cards are inherently evil. The thinking behind this is to avoid something associated with sinful behavior, thereby avoiding sinful behavior altogther, namely gambling.
However, this is like avoiding computers and all electronic devices in order to shun pornography. Computers are not inherently evil, therefore it is not sinful to use them, per se.
The same with playing cards. They are pieces of paper with drawings, which people have used for centuries to pass the time. Very few of those games have anything to do with gambling.
Like computers, cards may indeed be used for evil purposes, but that doesn't make them inherently evil. People with gambling addictions may indeed want to shun playing cards just as pornography addicts may want to shun computers.
The prophets have clearly denounced gambling, but they have not denounced playing cards.
#7 Choose the right means vote republican. I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard a fellow Mormon gripe "I can't see how good members of the church can be democrat."
I often vote republican, but even so, I can see why some Mormons might vote democrat (or other non-republican parties). The Mormon church, for about 100 years has been politically neutral. It takes a stance on a few issues (but without endorsing any political party): abortion, marriage, being involved in voting, and just a few others.
Even so, the church has, for the most part, been silent on how to vote for those issues. Heck, the church wouldn't take your recommend away if you voted in favor of gay marriage and abortion (I would strongly disagree with your choice, but I won't tell the bishop on you, either).
Plus, immigration, gun rights, fiscal policy, military policy, and a whole bunch of other issues are left open to the personal political views of each Mormon. Plus, there are a wide variety of opinions within each political party. It is possible for a Mormon to be opposed to abortion and gay marriage but agree with democrats on other issues (there are "conservative" democrats, after all).
In short, I CAN see how a good member of the church can be democrat (or anything non-republican).
#8 Spencer W. Kimball said to marry in your own race. Actually, the person who said that was Boyd K. Packer, over 40 years ago, on one occasion. He gave that bit of advice in the same same context of discouraging (but not condemning) short courtship (interesting how a lot of people didn't take that statement and run with it). On this one and only occasion where a leader of the church made this suggestion, it was worded as a suggestion, where he discouraged it but did not condemn it. It should be noted that his statement was not corroborated by other leaders in following meetings, nor is it found in any official Church guidelines.
I'm disappointed in members of the church who are ardent proponents of this idea, yet do not know who said it or when or in what context, to the point of being unaccepting of interracial couples, even if they were married in the temple. Such people need to get their facts straight and shape up.
CONCLUSION: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, but full of human beings. I hope this sets the record straight for many of them. However, given human nature, I know other myths would abound even if these ones ceased. What to do? Love those misguided (but usually well-meaning) souls anyway.
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